Please, call me Blake.

Some of you know me as Paisley, some know me as Michelle. Most of you will think this is "out of the blue". It isn't, I am a very private person sometimes. But today, today I finally told my Mother I want to be called Blake.

Yes, I'm sure most of you are confused as well. She is, but she didn't kick me out, or call me a pervert. She was more worried about how much counseling will cost. I don't think she really got that the main reason of telling her is so when I present as a man, she isn't confused.

I'm just confused though. I'm sure that's what half of you will say, just a genderqueer who wants to see how far she can go.

You can think whatever you like to be honest. I know what I feel. It isn't going away. It isn't something I can just wish away.

I have something I wrote, I have never publicly shared. I feel it might help you make sense of this a bit.

I don't fit in with the girls, I don't fit in with the guys.
It sucks to be living a lie.

Taught to do what a girl should do, knowing it's not all of you...wishing you fit somewhere.

I feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong box.

I scare myself with these feelings, always believed I was dreaming. They way we are brought up has a lot to say, you are what god made you was drilled into me it seemed every day.

Feelings have recently gotten much stronger, I don't want to do this any longer.
A sex change, scary and enticing, but what would I be embracing?

I never know just what to do, would that fix this?

Or am I just grabbing at straws?

I've known I was "broken" since I was ten, any way out looks like gentle forest glen. But the grass is always greener they say, the fairies might bite and the unicorns won't want to play.

All this work I'd have to do, and would I be being true? To myself, to my family, to the friends I've made. I've "come out" before, as gay, then Bi.
Still not quite what I felt inside.

Maybe I'm just looking for a way to say someday,
I like me and I'm O.K.

So a little start, being a male on a site, just to see how it feels, before I go into this head over heels.

I do things slowly, with precision and care, I may never get there.

Would the few friends I've already made as this person be mad when they find out I've lied to them? Perceptions can be a dangerous thing, we'll see how long I can carry on, I'm so tired of trying to belong!

It is a journey I have no map for, but I can look back to where I've been before, using the knowledge to go fourth.

But like my dreams, this will stay tucked away, for I am not courageous and it's easier just to say: I'm broken.



So yeah. that's why I changed my name on most everything (I'm sure I missed some) , and please...

call me Blake.