Dreams can be so real...

Ok, so I slept all day, I hate the fact that my sleeping schedule is all messed up. I really need to find a job.
I should be listening to the songs for the play (we are doing A Christmas Carol) instead I'm listening to Eddplant, and I just found out yesterday it's six performances and not four like I was originally told. I still don't have a car, and just got roped into picking up Kelly. Kelly's mom just called back while writing this, they now don't want me to pick her up because our car smells like smoke (picky people) and I'm using Jim's car tonight ( which smells like smoke even worse), but what about the rest of the time? So I told her it was no guarantee that I can take her to every practice!

So the real pupose of this vlog is a dream. I sometimes dream very vividly, sometimes in black and white, and sometimes can only remember snippets. This one was so real though I'm tempted to ask this person if they are mad at me.

Ok, so it starts out in the doctor's office we used to go to when I was little, I'm about ten, and then we leave and go down to the store - I grow form ten years old to an adult on the way down, when we get to the store the checker is Eddplant, and we talk like he's worked there forever and make plans to go to the '50's diner in town (there is no '50's diner in my town!).
At the diner he talks about a gig that he has next week and whether I'l be coming, of course I say yes, and then he says "You'd like eveything I do though! What about the real people?" This really hurt me feelings (in the dream) and I said "I try and tell you honestly what I think of your songs, I don't just say "awesome" every time! Besides you have quite a large following on the Net, over 1,000 people can't be wrong!"

He said "Yeah, but the last one you didn't..." Me "It was a cover, I try to have honest opinions on the originals."

He starts to talk about a song he's working on, shows me the chord diagram, and chords and frets and whether it needs a capo and whether I think it needs a middle eight. Most of what he says I have very little knowledge of and so I do a lot of active listening,(I mean it's better to look stupid than open your mouth and prove it right?) He asks "You don't have an opinion?" so I said "Well, I listen to alot of music and I know what I like and I have trouble getting from the page to hearing it in my head. I have written very few songs."- I smiled at him.

"You are Useless!" he said angrily, got up and stormed out.

I woke up.

Ed is a sweetie, there is no way he'd ever do that I don't think, but in the dream it was so real! And for some reason he was wearing a bright purple silk shirt, didn't match him at all....

4 am

4 am...
I'm hungry, but not tired,
I'm bored and not inspired,
I'm lonely, but need to be alone.

I could read
or play a game
listening to music is drying out again
but it is just a name to a distraction
sleeping is the ultimate hide
from the thoughts that will not die

I need a job, I need an S.O.
I need to be living on my own.
This life is not what I thought it'd be
Who the hell is this inside of me?
I look in the mirror and wonder when my life got away from me.

I look like a kid, and I know I'm a bore.
Not pretty enough to have ever been a whore.
I just don't follow what eveyone is into.
I do not keep score.

These walls I've built to protect myself get in the way,
but when I open the door, I get kicked in the face.

How do they do it? The ones who are loved, who have friends everywhere?
I try to be nice, be open, be sincere.

What am I missing here?

mini update

Hi, Oh my gosh, a blog.

First off, YEAH!!! Obama won!
Change here we come.

Second : Damn Props passed?! WTF - California? Arizona? Florida? Arkansas?
Maybe we were expecting to much of our country, people don't change their minds overnight. There were several states with anti-gay props that that passed!?Link to results

Third: The director for the next play called, I have to be there at seven to help with choreography? LOL help with it, what? I thought I was IN the dance, not helping with it. Either I misunderstood or he liked the ideas I had for the (albeit short) dance mom and I do.

What was really funny was I offered my help backstage, and he was - "That'd be great *pauses* and I want you in the dance number too." *smiles at me*

I was too late to audition so that made me feel really good. I'm probabaly making much more of this than I should, but since I have no job right now, it's not like I don't have the time.
It will also be easier not to be in Mom's shadow for this one, I love her, but I hate to say that she is the one who keeps messing up onstage.
I am big enough to admit my mistakes, don't get me wrong, I've knocked over a column, missed a couple of cues, been early out, stood in the wrong part of backstage where I could be seen, gone to the wrong mark onstage, stood too far onto the stage past the curtain, the first dress rehearsal I skipped an entire verse of the mourning song ( it's a funeral sequence). I've grabbed the wrong "eunich pullover" and messed Ty (the cute one *wink*) up, and I apologized for it the next night, told him why ( there's two and they look the same in the dark), and that it wouldn't happen again, and he clapped me on the back and said "It's O.K." in a 'you worry too much' tone. But I haven't been in a play since eighth grade! and then I had no lines. LOL and I got a D in drama that year. So having people like me being there, saying I'm doing well, and wanting me to be in another? It's overwhelming!

I think making the you tube videos has really increased my confidence. I still don't do people very well, but maybe just maybe, I can get over my fear of crowds, and new people. Hell, all people.

I don't try to be different, I mean that isn't my goal to see how different or weird I can be, or rude, or whatever people think I may be.
I am just not a very good conversationalist, that beginning bit on politics is as far as I can go in that subject. In most subjects actually, I guess I am just a closed person. I think, I read, but none of it I actually share.

I go through phases with things like you change your clothes.
I never really get involved in things that last very long. Maybe I am a little ADHD. We found out my five year old is. That helped a lot actually, I cried, but a relieved cry. I don't WANT something to be differnt about him, but at the same time, YES a REASON!!! It wasn't all me! ( for that's what my ex-husband used as his main basis for taking him).

On another note, some of you may have watched my video where I participated in BenLoka's "World Vegetarian Week" challenge.

I'm actaully still doing it and for shits and giggles decided to see how hard it would be to find also things with no milk or eggs. Tedious as hell. Next time I need to go with better research, and not just assume things don't have milk or eggs because they LOOK like they shouldn't LOL (I had to put half what I picked up back on the shelf while reading ingredients).
I think I might go to walmart instead of safeway next time, half the things I usually buy (i.e. vegetarian chicken pattties, veggie bites, veggie corndogs etc.) Have milk and eggs in them. Even the tofu things had "processed in a plant that also processes milk and egg products" Supposedly Boca brand (which Walmart carries) do not.
Doing this for this long is good, BTW. Like I said, I go through phases, I hope this one sticks. I think it might. There was prime rib at the luncheon thing on Sunday and it didn't even look good.
Yet another way to unintentionally stand out, be the only one who is a vegetarian that's in the play. *sigh*
Sorry this is so long and rambling.
<3