Hi,
So I have had a shit week, been mega depressed, just what you want to know right?
There are several videos I thought I should do, to be involved in the community, but then I thought, NO, I should make videos I want to make, not becuase I think I ought to, or it will help get subscribers.
I finally broke 150 subs, not that I want to be famous, it's just nice to have someone still watch me, half my first subs I don't think even watch anymore, and some of them have had their accounts suspended.
I was in a commercial for eddplant's new album if you missed it, and had the second worst clip I thought, check out his channel if you haven't, funny thing about that is, had it happened when I was first on you tube I would have been more excited to be in a collab like that, but when you get down to it, none of us knew who some of the others were (okay, so I only didn't recognize who one person was). I still appreciate him including me, to be sure, just sometimes that dissconnected feeling can be really strong.
Some say I've done this to myself, built a wall of "stay away from me cause you'll hurt me" and maybe I have and it comes through my videos? I try to be open and honest, but maybe I do look desperate for friends, or like I'm trying to hard?
(actual comments)
But this blog ,yet again, is about a dream/fantasty : ( I think i was on the verge of sleep)
Gray room, gray wall, wind blowing in the window that has gray gossamer curtains. night outside, nice temperature. Full moon, I was dressed for a goth club, white face, dark black eyes, corset black lace dress, bright red lips, hair all sprayed and ratted, I looked good. Sensual, inviting.
Then the person I was going with called and said they weren't going, but I knew they were just ditching me.
It's happened before and will happen again.
So I got on the internet, no one on skype, no one answering on twitter, no one on msn, no comments on my videos or channel page.
I just decided, fuck this then, no one will miss me anyway.
I opened a new razor and cut my legs first, little cuts, it didn't feel better.
So I was eyeing my wrists and thought, naw- to cliche, so I went to the bathroom, closed my eyes, and swiped my jugular, it hurt only about as much as my navel piercing, and very fast.
The blood cascaded down my neck, my breasts, the skirt and onto the floor, it was warm and sticky, and I felt warm for a minute, and then very very cold. I sat down, feeling light headed, but also free.
Then I woke up crying. Shit and I am crying writing this too.
The problem with this dream is if you cut the jugular it'll spurt, not cascade, and I haven't cut since I was 17.
Which is incidentally the time I tried to kill myself in RL. I never changed my mind, I just pussied out.
Perhaps this is why no one likes me, I am depressed?
Comment please. I really need some love today.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Dreams can be confusing...
I am getting bored with you tube, and a bit hurt that no one ever asks me for my skype, or my msn. I do have some who really do care, If you are readng this you are one of them. I guess I should concentrate more on that aspect.
Guess I am just as boring as I've been told.
OH! and job in the paper I'm applying for Monday. I need a job so badly.
I have made a few more networking pages though. I now have a facebook, and a bebo
(this site seems to be for kids though?), and I even went and changed up my Myspace a bit. I have more followers on blip than you tube, and to be honest had I found it first, I might not have even joined you tube.
My sister got arrested tonight for failure to apppear, three of them! Bail is 21,000 dollars, she will have to sit there. One of those days when you don't want her to be your sister.
I hate when dreams are so real tha when you wake up you think you need to call into work! (I have no job right now...)
I was working at a local grocery store, and had just started there, and this lady was looking for diaper changing products for her baby. We couldn't find them! Tthey were in with the paper towels! I woke up wondering if I worked today, because I hadn't gotten a schedule yet! LOL
Not as weird as the dream last night, all I really remember was that we were in this house in the woods and all the doors and windows were open and Joe and I were discussing life, and we are on a bed, and he told me he didn't like what we'd done with the stick the last time we'd come out (in the dream this was like a hideout, I had pretended to take his blood for an aids test) and I told him it wasn't real. So we are lying there and he goes to kiss me and it's a really, really awkward kiss, like he'd never kissed before, more like just pushing at me, and when I did try and put my tounge in his mouth, he started just going all over mine with his like it was a race. A slobbery kid's kiss. It was weird!
It made me remember the other dream I'd had where he was wet and standing in the rain, his eyes were large and scared, and I picked him up and took him home and we had hot chocolate and played guitar hero.
The first part of that one is totally out of a music video!
This Joe in these dreams is not the Joe I watch, he is vulnerable and scared, the Joe on the internet is very self assured, almost to the point of cockyness. He also does know how to kiss. (Well, it looks like he does.)
Why do I have weird sexified dreams of people in other countries. Am I that worried I am not as innocent as I want to be watching his videos?
I mean If I wanted to fuck him, wouldn't that be in the dream? Not playing guitar hero and awkward kissing? He's so damn litle I'd be afraid I'd break him anyway, and not to sound like I'm all that, but he's fifteen, there isn't anything down there yet. Compared to an adult I mean.
At least I haven't killed him like I killed off Levi. Dream that I'm talking about.
*sigh*
Guess I am just as boring as I've been told.
OH! and job in the paper I'm applying for Monday. I need a job so badly.
I have made a few more networking pages though. I now have a facebook, and a bebo
(this site seems to be for kids though?), and I even went and changed up my Myspace a bit. I have more followers on blip than you tube, and to be honest had I found it first, I might not have even joined you tube.
My sister got arrested tonight for failure to apppear, three of them! Bail is 21,000 dollars, she will have to sit there. One of those days when you don't want her to be your sister.
I hate when dreams are so real tha when you wake up you think you need to call into work! (I have no job right now...)
I was working at a local grocery store, and had just started there, and this lady was looking for diaper changing products for her baby. We couldn't find them! Tthey were in with the paper towels! I woke up wondering if I worked today, because I hadn't gotten a schedule yet! LOL
Not as weird as the dream last night, all I really remember was that we were in this house in the woods and all the doors and windows were open and Joe and I were discussing life, and we are on a bed, and he told me he didn't like what we'd done with the stick the last time we'd come out (in the dream this was like a hideout, I had pretended to take his blood for an aids test) and I told him it wasn't real. So we are lying there and he goes to kiss me and it's a really, really awkward kiss, like he'd never kissed before, more like just pushing at me, and when I did try and put my tounge in his mouth, he started just going all over mine with his like it was a race. A slobbery kid's kiss. It was weird!
It made me remember the other dream I'd had where he was wet and standing in the rain, his eyes were large and scared, and I picked him up and took him home and we had hot chocolate and played guitar hero.
The first part of that one is totally out of a music video!
This Joe in these dreams is not the Joe I watch, he is vulnerable and scared, the Joe on the internet is very self assured, almost to the point of cockyness. He also does know how to kiss. (Well, it looks like he does.)
Why do I have weird sexified dreams of people in other countries. Am I that worried I am not as innocent as I want to be watching his videos?
I mean If I wanted to fuck him, wouldn't that be in the dream? Not playing guitar hero and awkward kissing? He's so damn litle I'd be afraid I'd break him anyway, and not to sound like I'm all that, but he's fifteen, there isn't anything down there yet. Compared to an adult I mean.
At least I haven't killed him like I killed off Levi. Dream that I'm talking about.
*sigh*
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Oh, bandwagons , how I loathe thee...
Ok,so a lot of blogs I follow are doing this skype list blog thing, where you write annonymous things to your skype contacts.
I promise this will be short!
1. I added you in a confernce call, you seemed cool, I even subbed. You have never even said Hi again, and I didn't "get" your last couple vids.
2. You added me to twitter after a comment back to you, and skype when I politely sent you a youtube message. You even remembered who I was in you blogTV show, but the next time I came in you had already forgotten me. We have talked a couple times, but I can never think of anything to say. You are so involved with others, and I'm embarrassed I haven't ordered your book yet. I think you are awesome, I will miss your collab channel.
DFTBA
3. Darn other side of the world, we never seem to be on at the same time, when we are it's nice. I still have to play your videos twice though, your accent trips me up! But please, you don't need so much punctuation. One exclamation point will work!
:)
4. In a public stikam chat with Levi Beamish, Chrisontv88, Toddly00, and Drakesizzle, YOU were the only one who really talked to me. We've talked on skype once. I honestly don't know what we'd talk about. But I appreciate that you cared to include me. Thanks for the add on last.fm.
Meow
5. I wish I was as interesting to you as you are to me. I love your music. I'm sure I come off as a stalker, even though you say it isn't so. You do occasionally reply to my you tube comments, and every mail (though I try not to bother you too much), which is very nice, but being called a "nice fan" on blogtv when asked who I was
(while it was meant with complete sincerety I'm sure), hurt. We've talked on skype twice, the other two times I've tried you were talkng to someone more interesting to you. So I've been good and left you alone.
Bai <3
6. You are so bubbly and bouncy, and I'm jealous of that. We have so many of the same interests that you are very easy to talk to! But you also seem to slightly smother people. I know because I used to do that. You are one of the constants I have in the you tube world and I sincerely appreciate that.
puppies and kittens <3
7. You were bored and made this account and came on twitter and asked people to talk to you. I know I was just another fangirl name on the screen, but even that was nice. I should probably delete it, but I won't. I'd be nice if you'd comment on at least one of my reply videos too you. I think I scare you as well (stalker).
8. Your real account, I sent the invitation after you said he liked my tweets and before the fake account but you never added me, should delete it too...
9. You should be first in my list! The only person I have on both skye and msn, you are my LONGEST you tube friend, the video that got us talking is long gone - but I still remember your comment on it. We can not talk for a month and pick up right where we left off, I love that. We don't always agree on music, but I love that you still trust to click when I link you. It was nice hearing your voice for the first time, we really need to do that again, even if I do have to ask you to repeat yourself.
*sigh*
&hearts
10. Again, what funny way to have this list, it should go by who I talk to the most. I've actually talked to you almost as much as #6 and not even sure if you two know each other, you would SO get along. I'm sorry you are having so many family problems, I hope it rights itself. Your laugh is contagious. But I have to watch your videos twice too, and what about that collab I sent you clips for ages ago?
DFTBA
11. Ah, the skype test call, you have an very nice english accent for a recording.
And so ends the pitifully short skype list, shall we move to MSN?
1. I met you in stickam tailcast chat. You are cool, but a bit stuck-up, I feel awkward when we talk, so I hardly ever say Hi. I haven't even watched your last video yet.
2. You are a loyal subscriber, whom I should talk to more, but you are so into gaming and computers you go over my head quite easily.
3. #9 from above, I added you on this first, and you have filled my screen with text many a night when I couldn't sleep. Thanks for that :)
4. Who the hell are you? I'm afraid to say Hi because I don't know, and you never have either.
5. You asked us to add you in blogtv, and said my screenname in a lovely australian accent! I did, you have been on ONCE (at the same time as I have)since then, and I was so nervous I couldn't say Hi. I still love your naked vlog on the kitchen table best :)
6. You told everyone on twitter to add you so I did, but since you made fun of me in blogtv in one of the LAG broadcasts, I'll probably never talk to you. You never commented on any of my video responses back before 5AG even started, so I deleted them. I still watch you, but won't comment for fear of looking stupid and the fact I don't think you like me...
AND that's it. Thanks for reading. :)
I promise this will be short!
1. I added you in a confernce call, you seemed cool, I even subbed. You have never even said Hi again, and I didn't "get" your last couple vids.
2. You added me to twitter after a comment back to you, and skype when I politely sent you a youtube message. You even remembered who I was in you blogTV show, but the next time I came in you had already forgotten me. We have talked a couple times, but I can never think of anything to say. You are so involved with others, and I'm embarrassed I haven't ordered your book yet. I think you are awesome, I will miss your collab channel.
DFTBA
3. Darn other side of the world, we never seem to be on at the same time, when we are it's nice. I still have to play your videos twice though, your accent trips me up! But please, you don't need so much punctuation. One exclamation point will work!
:)
4. In a public stikam chat with Levi Beamish, Chrisontv88, Toddly00, and Drakesizzle, YOU were the only one who really talked to me. We've talked on skype once. I honestly don't know what we'd talk about. But I appreciate that you cared to include me. Thanks for the add on last.fm.
Meow
5. I wish I was as interesting to you as you are to me. I love your music. I'm sure I come off as a stalker, even though you say it isn't so. You do occasionally reply to my you tube comments, and every mail (though I try not to bother you too much), which is very nice, but being called a "nice fan" on blogtv when asked who I was
(while it was meant with complete sincerety I'm sure), hurt. We've talked on skype twice, the other two times I've tried you were talkng to someone more interesting to you. So I've been good and left you alone.
Bai <3
6. You are so bubbly and bouncy, and I'm jealous of that. We have so many of the same interests that you are very easy to talk to! But you also seem to slightly smother people. I know because I used to do that. You are one of the constants I have in the you tube world and I sincerely appreciate that.
puppies and kittens <3
7. You were bored and made this account and came on twitter and asked people to talk to you. I know I was just another fangirl name on the screen, but even that was nice. I should probably delete it, but I won't. I'd be nice if you'd comment on at least one of my reply videos too you. I think I scare you as well (stalker).
8. Your real account, I sent the invitation after you said he liked my tweets and before the fake account but you never added me, should delete it too...
9. You should be first in my list! The only person I have on both skye and msn, you are my LONGEST you tube friend, the video that got us talking is long gone - but I still remember your comment on it. We can not talk for a month and pick up right where we left off, I love that. We don't always agree on music, but I love that you still trust to click when I link you. It was nice hearing your voice for the first time, we really need to do that again, even if I do have to ask you to repeat yourself.
*sigh*
&hearts
10. Again, what funny way to have this list, it should go by who I talk to the most. I've actually talked to you almost as much as #6 and not even sure if you two know each other, you would SO get along. I'm sorry you are having so many family problems, I hope it rights itself. Your laugh is contagious. But I have to watch your videos twice too, and what about that collab I sent you clips for ages ago?
DFTBA
11. Ah, the skype test call, you have an very nice english accent for a recording.
And so ends the pitifully short skype list, shall we move to MSN?
1. I met you in stickam tailcast chat. You are cool, but a bit stuck-up, I feel awkward when we talk, so I hardly ever say Hi. I haven't even watched your last video yet.
2. You are a loyal subscriber, whom I should talk to more, but you are so into gaming and computers you go over my head quite easily.
3. #9 from above, I added you on this first, and you have filled my screen with text many a night when I couldn't sleep. Thanks for that :)
4. Who the hell are you? I'm afraid to say Hi because I don't know, and you never have either.
5. You asked us to add you in blogtv, and said my screenname in a lovely australian accent! I did, you have been on ONCE (at the same time as I have)since then, and I was so nervous I couldn't say Hi. I still love your naked vlog on the kitchen table best :)
6. You told everyone on twitter to add you so I did, but since you made fun of me in blogtv in one of the LAG broadcasts, I'll probably never talk to you. You never commented on any of my video responses back before 5AG even started, so I deleted them. I still watch you, but won't comment for fear of looking stupid and the fact I don't think you like me...
AND that's it. Thanks for reading. :)
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
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