Hi,

So I have had a shit week, been mega depressed, just what you want to know right?

There are several videos I thought I should do, to be involved in the community, but then I thought, NO, I should make videos I want to make, not becuase I think I ought to, or it will help get subscribers.
I finally broke 150 subs, not that I want to be famous, it's just nice to have someone still watch me, half my first subs I don't think even watch anymore, and some of them have had their accounts suspended.
I was in a commercial for eddplant's new album if you missed it, and had the second worst clip I thought, check out his channel if you haven't, funny thing about that is, had it happened when I was first on you tube I would have been more excited to be in a collab like that, but when you get down to it, none of us knew who some of the others were (okay, so I only didn't recognize who one person was). I still appreciate him including me, to be sure, just sometimes that dissconnected feeling can be really strong.
Some say I've done this to myself, built a wall of "stay away from me cause you'll hurt me" and maybe I have and it comes through my videos? I try to be open and honest, but maybe I do look desperate for friends, or like I'm trying to hard?
(actual comments)

But this blog ,yet again, is about a dream/fantasty : ( I think i was on the verge of sleep)


Gray room, gray wall, wind blowing in the window that has gray gossamer curtains. night outside, nice temperature. Full moon, I was dressed for a goth club, white face, dark black eyes, corset black lace dress, bright red lips, hair all sprayed and ratted, I looked good. Sensual, inviting.
Then the person I was going with called and said they weren't going, but I knew they were just ditching me.
It's happened before and will happen again.
So I got on the internet, no one on skype, no one answering on twitter, no one on msn, no comments on my videos or channel page.
I just decided, fuck this then, no one will miss me anyway.

I opened a new razor and cut my legs first, little cuts, it didn't feel better.
So I was eyeing my wrists and thought, naw- to cliche, so I went to the bathroom, closed my eyes, and swiped my jugular, it hurt only about as much as my navel piercing, and very fast.
The blood cascaded down my neck, my breasts, the skirt and onto the floor, it was warm and sticky, and I felt warm for a minute, and then very very cold. I sat down, feeling light headed, but also free.

Then I woke up crying. Shit and I am crying writing this too.

The problem with this dream is if you cut the jugular it'll spurt, not cascade, and I haven't cut since I was 17.
Which is incidentally the time I tried to kill myself in RL. I never changed my mind, I just pussied out.

Perhaps this is why no one likes me, I am depressed?

Comment please. I really need some love today.