Please, call me Blake.

Some of you know me as Paisley, some know me as Michelle. Most of you will think this is "out of the blue". It isn't, I am a very private person sometimes. But today, today I finally told my Mother I want to be called Blake.

Yes, I'm sure most of you are confused as well. She is, but she didn't kick me out, or call me a pervert. She was more worried about how much counseling will cost. I don't think she really got that the main reason of telling her is so when I present as a man, she isn't confused.

I'm just confused though. I'm sure that's what half of you will say, just a genderqueer who wants to see how far she can go.

You can think whatever you like to be honest. I know what I feel. It isn't going away. It isn't something I can just wish away.

I have something I wrote, I have never publicly shared. I feel it might help you make sense of this a bit.

I don't fit in with the girls, I don't fit in with the guys.
It sucks to be living a lie.

Taught to do what a girl should do, knowing it's not all of you...wishing you fit somewhere.

I feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong box.

I scare myself with these feelings, always believed I was dreaming. They way we are brought up has a lot to say, you are what god made you was drilled into me it seemed every day.

Feelings have recently gotten much stronger, I don't want to do this any longer.
A sex change, scary and enticing, but what would I be embracing?

I never know just what to do, would that fix this?

Or am I just grabbing at straws?

I've known I was "broken" since I was ten, any way out looks like gentle forest glen. But the grass is always greener they say, the fairies might bite and the unicorns won't want to play.

All this work I'd have to do, and would I be being true? To myself, to my family, to the friends I've made. I've "come out" before, as gay, then Bi.
Still not quite what I felt inside.

Maybe I'm just looking for a way to say someday,
I like me and I'm O.K.

So a little start, being a male on a site, just to see how it feels, before I go into this head over heels.

I do things slowly, with precision and care, I may never get there.

Would the few friends I've already made as this person be mad when they find out I've lied to them? Perceptions can be a dangerous thing, we'll see how long I can carry on, I'm so tired of trying to belong!

It is a journey I have no map for, but I can look back to where I've been before, using the knowledge to go fourth.

But like my dreams, this will stay tucked away, for I am not courageous and it's easier just to say: I'm broken.



So yeah. that's why I changed my name on most everything (I'm sure I missed some) , and please...

call me Blake.

Dreams are weird...

Woke up to sound of falling rain, the wind would whisper and I'd think of you...

No,actually, I woke up to the sound of my sister bringing me back the bin she'd "borrowed" a couple of days ago.


We were going somewhere in a motor home an old fashioned '70s boxy thing, and we had to change the tire, but it was an egg, and we'd grabbed the wrong one. Then they'd made me a place to sit behind the driver but I was annoyed it wasn't facing the driver. There were other in the motorhome, But they were all silhouettes. I did hear one person's voice I "know" though. He said "Hurry up, Paisley!", no one in RL calls me Paisley.
I went to grab something from the house and there was a GIANT (twice as long as my hand, at least), blue, glowing, mean eyed grasshopperish looking thing on my bag, and he was hissing at me like a praying mantis does. I went to tell Jim about him (except Jim wasn't Jim, he was Dad)- which is why he said "It's just a bug squish it."

I went back in and it was gone, grabbed my red suitcase (yes, it changed - I don't even own those anymore) and then it started POURING. Just, instantly. Crystal (I lived with Crystal, gawd, um, 16 years ago? Anyway...) wasn't going to drive in it. I thought "Who the hell is letting her drive anyway? She's geeked.

So somehow now I'm driving , in a torrent, and just outside of town that damn blue grasshopperish thing jumps onto the dash, Still glowing. I say 'That's that bug!" and Dad's says "HE IS HUGE, catch HIM!"

That's when Melissa woke me.

Dad gets out of jail today or tomorrow, maybe my mind thinks we'll all be one big happy family again when he does or something, and why the HELL would Crystal be there? Why would Jim be Dad, I dated Jim :/

Anxiety attack, again?

This has not been a good month, some of you may have read my tweets about freaking out two weeks ago working at a concert. I had a talk with Brian and he thought it was stress and moved me to a stand where I didn't have to be in charge. I had a mild anxiety attack, but was able to take my break and finish the night out. But no such luck this time.

I was fine on the way, fine when I got there, fine helping put things away and set things up. Then I just got a strange feeling and I told Cheryl (the stand lead) I felt faint, because I did, and she looked at me and said "You look like you are going to fall!" and sat me down, a few minutes later I went to get some water and one of the other girls looked at me and said "Oh my god, you're shaking" I didn't even know I was. Cheryl called to have someone pick me up, and Roy (supervisor) came and asked me my name so they knew who to pick up. Then I had an enormous wave of intense "I don't know where I am , or what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm scared" sweep over me, and I said aloud "I feel like I'm five", and then started crying - not BIG crying just scared child tears. Like when you get lost in the store when you are really young.

Gina (second stand lead) was telling me that it would be O.K., and that someone was coming to get me. When they did come to get me she helped me over to the cart and told me "Maybe it's the Flu." I know full well it is not the Flu.

I've had these before, but never this intense, and never this many in one month. I think I might have to go back to counseling *sigh*, and they'll find some other new diagnosis and medication to try and fix me. Yes, we've been through several.
S.A.D. (I had been banging my head into the A-frame that holds the swing set up, pediatrician told mom it would right itself when summer came, and not to worry about it), Clinical Depression (parent's insurance paid for a whole five counseling visits after my attempted suicide, and it fixed me. NO.), Postpartum depression (because every new mother goes through it, and wants to smother their baby) and with actual counseling this last time. P.T.S.D. (because of my father, you may read more about that in the last post if you like...)

They keep jerking me around anyway, I bet they've lost my file. Hmm, some history on that, I was court ordered to go to counseling when we were arguing over the children, so I went once a week, for about six months - and it did seem to be helping a bit. Then he moved, and they set me up with someone that sees children?, totally different attitude, demeanor, and hadn't read ANY of my file *gah*. So right, start ALL over, go to see him for three visits, call for the next and "he no longer practices here".
WTF?
At that point court was about a month away. They sent me to this lady that was "taking his patients until they could find the right person" I missed the first one, called again, front desk didn't even know what I was talking about, got through to her, made another appointment, and THEY called and canceled. By this time I gave up. We hadn't even touched on what the judge actually wanted anyway. I didn't even go to the last court date. I really need to quit doing that - ignore and it will go away. It never does.

It just dawned on me that was last summer, because I missed the scheduled appointment to work a concert.

So anyway, I still do a few things that he (the first one, Dana) recommended , and that's writing things down, which is why you see me posting crap poems, and whiny blogs like this.

I liked him, he was nice. He thought we should work on social skills before we even tackled my father. The 90% introverted on the Briggs-Meyer test (I think that's which one it was) had him worried a tad. He'd never seen one so high.

Anyway, it's been a shit day, I want a glass of wine and a cigarette. BUT having them be worth going to town to get? I already went outside, and all the way to work and back today, and I probably won't go out again for days if I can help it.

And Mom wants me to get a real job? I can't even stay level for one fucking shift lately.

Mom's sorting, I'm sad.

You'd think I'd gotten used to the idea my father wasn't coming back over twelve years ago when he was incarcerated.
Maybe it's that Mom finally went through with the divorce that's bothering me, though that was months ago. Seeing all his stuff in piles in the hallway, having her asking me if things are his or ours (me or my sisters), it's bothering me. Quite a bit.
He gets out in less than a month. I haven't gone to see him in at least six years. I don't want to either. I'm still mad, bitter, and frustrated with him.

He's the reason I don't attach, that I'm afraid to talk to anyone. No matter what I said or did, no matter what I got on a paper from school- when he was around I was wrong, I could have done better. Always the underlying tone that he'd wished I was a boy. I did too, he surely paid more attention to them then he did us. (We didn't know why then). It was always during the summer. They all called him Uncle Michael, he took them for boat rides, motorcycle rides, our (summer trailer) house had lots of boys toys, though were girls. Because we were his kids we were always last in line, it was so unfair! His excuse: "You can go anytime" which was never true. We got older, and as they did they slowly stopped coming over, to be replaced by younger ones, never older than about thirteen.

To know that the man who is your father successfully lied to you (and the whole family)for 15+ years is hard to take. To feel stupid for letting him. But he is/was good at manipulation.

Mother said "Daddy adapts."(yes,she still calls him my daddy, and, well, he is)today and I thought: "That's the problem!" and the scary thing is, I think I do too, in some ways.
Example: I don't like leaving my house, groups of people, big empty places, small spaces, eating in front of people, playing group games (because inevitably I am the reason the team loses), or not having a structured activity when dealing with others (if there are "plans" I can concentrate on that and not the fact that I'm nervous, awkward, and stupid).
Yet I did ALL of these things to go see Tom Milsom in Seattle, and I deal with them for my job too. I think that's why I'm sick when I get done, all the "dealing" takes a toll on my body.

Thanks a lot dad, I guess?

The last time I talked to him on the phone all he could do was bible thump. The man coming out of jail is not the man we knew. Er, wait, the man we saw. No one knew him, he was hiding all the time.


First time I heard this song I fucking bawled.


I am an adult, why the fuck am I still having to deal with this shit?

I need a cigarette.

Lyrics for Indigo by Tom Milsom, Tom Milsom - Indigo - Lyrics

If I mattered to you
Then all I would see is Indigo
Nothing else I could do
Could ever make you more dear to me and so

Every green, every blue
Every red, orange and ultramarine
I've seen
Would go indigo, for you.


Every time that I look
deep inside me, the colour's all I see
And my mind is a book
Rainbow painted a story about me

Photographs that I took
that were once black and white would now be free
To be
In shades of indigo for you.

Orange, yellow, green and malachite,
Octarine, light plum and Eggshell White,
International Klein Blue, Maroon,
Azure, Magenta, Midnight Blue.

Harlequin, heliotrope
Tea, tan, turquoise, teal and taupe.
Amaranth and ivory,
Cosmic latte, tangerine.

If I mattered to you
Then all I would see is Indigo
Nothing else I could do
Could ever make you more dear to me and so

Every green, every blue,
Every pink, black, white, grey,
Yellow, mauve and cerise, beige and ultramarine
I've seen
Would go indigo, for you.

I decided to post this because so many people seem to be having trouble with them.
This is from Tom's post for it.

I can haz B-sides nao? (A review of Taking Leave)

Taking Leave cover art
The newest release from DFTBA records A collaborative effort from Alan Lastufka and Tom Milsom, this EP has lovely art to start off with. It adds to the atmosphere of the album, and the minimalistic three colors motif reflects the album's attitude well.

"Which is what?" you ask.

The songs have elements of sadness, regret, and wishfulness; yet each character is moving (or has moved) on with their life a more knowledgeable (though maybe slightly less trusting) person.

Milsom's soulful voice and arrangements along with Lastufka's poignant lyrics make for a very pleasing and satisfying experience.
The order of the songs is also nice, not one that you have to skip around on, a "listen to in order" album; it congeals.


If you are one who like "layers" in a song I think you will enjoy this very much, the lyrics make you think, and none of them are just a drum and guitar.



I put this in and was reading along with the lyrics, the first song had me tapping to the beat on the cover.



Okay. Individual songs.




1. Just a Boy - The simplicity at the beginning lets you know that the character indeed feels like a child, and as he "grows" with the lyrics the instrumentation grows with him as well, getting progressively more serious. It builds and builds, and the drops you, because life dropped him too. I loved the chorus best.



2. The Wind - This has such a happy high notes at first you are expecting a happy song, for some I'm sure it is , but the lyrics took me in a different direction. For me it was about a girl wanting to leave a relationship, not getting caught up in one. I felt it was, yes, something she couldn't control, but not something she wanted to be there. Flying for me is not always a good thing I guess? "she had no more choices than these, to live with the pain or the possibilities" Those possibilities are scary, But unknown is sometimes better.



3. Can't - Believe it or not even though it has somewhat melancholy lyrics still has an uplifting feeling. It is one of those songs that's easy to identify with and put yourself in the position of the characters.

"he's been destroyed, tears come falling from her trained toy, and with a sigh he can't say why, but he can't say goodbye"






4. The Mirror Song - This made me cry during my third listen, lyrics really hit me. Such a lovely, wistful tune, though I must say I wasn't sure I liked Kristina on the track the first time, but now it "fits".
A certain person had probably never heard my voice clearer until I did something drastic like that either. It also inspired me to write a song that night... it's here on tumblr too



5. Sparks Fly Upwards (orated poem) - If you don't like poetry you might be tempted to skip this, but it's in a nice place and the song ahead of it leads you in well.



6. Forgiven - Very despondent music and lyrics. I liked this, to me it's about someone who tried a long time to be what they ( parents, church, society - pick one) said you were supposed to be, and figured out for him it's a lie, and the tortured feeling that comes with that knowledge.



Song samples on Amazon

Order a tangible CD


Available on






















hexachordal(Tom Milsom)




fallofautumndistro

(Alan Lastufka).


@reply me on twitter if you don't have a tumblr.

Be honest, did you click anything or just scan this and skip it?

OMG he twittered it!

What a lovely birthday present, Tom Milsom saw the video I made for him and loved it and tweeted it!
It has more views than my last four videos now!

In other news paypal is really messing up, I ordered the new
Chamelon Circuit album,

and
eddplant's along with the shirt ,

hexachordal's new EP Shallow Ocean.

I haven't used paypal in so long that it was in my married name (I was divorced March 2005) - it won't let me put my new card in because of this, so it's doing a check transfer - which will take 5 days ! It also seems to be using the pounds amount instead of the conversion. I hope this rights itself :( I'd hate to have any of them mad at me for not sending enough money!

I have no printer, if I post this here, I can access it on another computer

8 o'clock, Monday morning and I'm waitin'
To surreptitiously talk to a boy more awesome than I.
His name is Tom, a nerdfighter with unique talent,
He listens to Math Rock, but I'm not quite sure what that means.

And when he sings,
My heart is light and my skin just glows.
He doesn't notice me!

Cause he is watchin' Nerimon
Creamin' over cardboard sleeves (twitter reference)
Listenin' to Deer Hoof
Turntables in his eyes

It's like a bad movie
He is lookin' through me
If you were me, then you'd be
Screamin' "Someone shoot me!"
As I fail miserably,
Tryin' to get the boy all the nerdfighters want.
He's the boy all the nerdfighters want!

He likes They Might Be Giants and I like AFI
His iTunes's full of singers that are experimentally mad
He says he'd like to visit a new zealand bo-oy
He'll never know that I'm the best that he'll never have

And when he sings,
My heart is light and my skin just glows.
He'll never notice me!

Cause he is watchin' Dr. Who
Creamin' over Theremins
Listenin' to Dan Deacon
Turntables in his eyes

he likes 'em with an accent
b3ta login pass
strivin' to be something
Do your morals make the man?

It's like a bad movie
He is lookin' through me
If you were me, then you'd be
Screamin' "Someone shoot me!"
As I fail miserably,
Tryin' to get the boy all the nerdfighters want.
He's the boy all the nerdfighters want!
He's the boy all the nerdfighters want!
He's the boy all the nerdfighters want!

There he goes again
With make-up on, and hairspray in his hair
He broke my heart, with Rhyme and Reason
All I wanted was to do a collab!

Now I am researchin' Dr. Who
Tryin' to be a sanguine girl
Listenin' to Deer Hoof
Turntables in my eyes
I can't fake an accent
And I just got a b3ta login
All I have's a youtube...youtube...youtube

It's like a bad movie
He is lookin' through me
If you were me, then you'd be
Screamin' "Someone shoot me!"
As I fail miserably,
Tryin' to get the Boy all the Nerdfighters want.

He's the boy all the nerdfighters want!
He's the boy all the nerdfighters want!
He's the boy all the nerdfighters want!
He's the boy all the nerdfighters want!
(There he goes again)
He's the boy all the nerdfighters want!
He's the boy all the nerdfighters want!
(There he goes again)
He's the boy all the nerdfighters want!
He's the boy all the nerdfighters want!

I am a stand lead, so why aren't I excited?

Sitting here listening to videosforpictures song black smoke and thinking about this weekend.
I went to orientation for the Gorge Amphitheatre, and found out I am going to be a stand lead (a manager basically) I should be happy, it's more pay, more hours than last year, but all I can think about is how annoying it is going to be.
Last year was such a mess, no one knew what they were doing, and this year we have a new scheduler. They say you are going to stay in one position all year, but we'll see if it really happens.

Of course, I sat at the table with the noisy people, and then could only eat part of the provided lunch, at least most of it was review, hell this will be my seventh season (though not in a row).

I just wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I can't be working at an outdoor concert venue for the rest of my life, especially since it's only a summer job.
I do like listening to the concerts, and sometimes it's fun.

So we'll just see how it goes I guess.

I did get several compliments, on my shirt, hair, gloves, and I even got hit on! LOL

Linking sites is fun?

So, yeah, I'm liking this idea, write something in here and it posts here and to facebook?

I had a lovely gentleman help me integrate everything tonight. djahren on you tube, he even made a video tutorial and posted it so I could import my rss feeds into firefox! Which I finally got the courage to download. So far firefox has only crashed once, wherein I'd have been already on the fourth shutdown with IE. Vast improvement. Hasn't crashed since then.

I also decided to move my song files to iTunes, I started a few hours ago and it's STILL going.

I also uploaded that video I was bitching about earlier. Link to bitchy post . If I waited until I was pleased with it it would have never made it up.

I have also been up for almost 22 hours at the time of writing this. Why the hell can't I sleep?

From Alan's Blog :)

1. List one book you think everyone should read this year. (if you mention my book for brownie points, please list a second book as well)

Paper towns

2. What is your favorite thing about your hometown?

Going "downtown" only takes a couple of minutes.

3. Incorrectly complete these Fall Out Boy lyrics: "This ain't a scene, it's a(n) _____________" (be creative)

Dog Show

4. What would you title your autobiography and how many pages would it be?

The incoherent life of a girl who can't make up her mind. 400 pages.

5. What was the best Christmas gift you've received? (ages 15 and under, adult Christmas gifts don't count)

Tie between Atari 2600 and Original Nintendo

6. What's one new thing you learned this week? (they say you learn something new every day, so you should have a few things to choose from)

That I remember more of "Let's Get Rocked" by Def Leppard than I thought.

7. Open Skype/G-Chat/AIM and type "how's my favorite friend who I haven't chatted with today?" to someone you haven't chatted with at all today. This item isn't a question, just a polite demand to let someone know you were thinking of them.

8. Tell me one really proud moment from your life. (be specific)

When I got the courage to leave my abusive husband.

9. Tell me one really embarrassing moment from your life. (be specific)

When I crashed my car into the sidebank of the road, I was alone.

10. Have you owned something for way too long... something you know you should get rid of or replace, but can't? If so, what and why?

Geometric sheets from my 13th birthday, elastic is rotten, faded badly, but they have memeories.

11. Fill in the blank: Other than this one, _____ is the last blog I commented on.

Eddplant's

12. Do you have any scars? Tell me about one of them.

I have an "L' shape on my left hand middle finger from putting my hand in the bathroom door when I was three, right as my dad won the play "fight" with mom and shut it.

13. I say "this is not tom", you say:
A. Who the eff is Tom?
B. Thank god, Tom sucks!
C. Oh, I love staring at page source code all day and solving riddles!! <3
D. And this is not me, not clicking the back button and not not reading the rest of this stupid meme.

I went to the site, didn't get it, sorry :(

14. What do you get complimented on the most? (your looks, your creativity, your impressive collection of black santa figurines)

My creativity :)

15. Paste a link here to your favorite picture online:

I don't really look for pictures online...

What a frustrating day!

So I had a video idea, a song parody-ish thing, with pictures. A tribute to someone I like.
I decided to record upstairs, brought the recording downstairs, put it on the computer and it was horrbly overmodulated!*grr*
Decided, OK, just record the song track with the camera upstairs and sing to it on the computer.
That didn't work either for some reason, when I record to something I'm listening to when I play it back it doesn't match the timing to the track when I add it! I had this problem with the Levi video as well. *sigh*

So, OK, sing to it straight (as in coming out of the speakers), I sound like I have no idea what the song is! It also sounds muffled (the track) and I sound like I'm singing out of my forehead and flat! *grr*
I'm not the greatest singer but I want to send it to him and it would be nice if I didn't sound like a overenthusiastic twelve year old!
SO FRUSTRATING.
I've been at it all day and only have the visual done!
I was going to make another today too.
Scrap that idea.

He did talk to me on skype tonight though, I'm pretty sure when I do upload it he will appreciate it.

Thanks for reading :)
I hope you have a better day.

Hi,

So I have had a shit week, been mega depressed, just what you want to know right?

There are several videos I thought I should do, to be involved in the community, but then I thought, NO, I should make videos I want to make, not becuase I think I ought to, or it will help get subscribers.
I finally broke 150 subs, not that I want to be famous, it's just nice to have someone still watch me, half my first subs I don't think even watch anymore, and some of them have had their accounts suspended.
I was in a commercial for eddplant's new album if you missed it, and had the second worst clip I thought, check out his channel if you haven't, funny thing about that is, had it happened when I was first on you tube I would have been more excited to be in a collab like that, but when you get down to it, none of us knew who some of the others were (okay, so I only didn't recognize who one person was). I still appreciate him including me, to be sure, just sometimes that dissconnected feeling can be really strong.
Some say I've done this to myself, built a wall of "stay away from me cause you'll hurt me" and maybe I have and it comes through my videos? I try to be open and honest, but maybe I do look desperate for friends, or like I'm trying to hard?
(actual comments)

But this blog ,yet again, is about a dream/fantasty : ( I think i was on the verge of sleep)


Gray room, gray wall, wind blowing in the window that has gray gossamer curtains. night outside, nice temperature. Full moon, I was dressed for a goth club, white face, dark black eyes, corset black lace dress, bright red lips, hair all sprayed and ratted, I looked good. Sensual, inviting.
Then the person I was going with called and said they weren't going, but I knew they were just ditching me.
It's happened before and will happen again.
So I got on the internet, no one on skype, no one answering on twitter, no one on msn, no comments on my videos or channel page.
I just decided, fuck this then, no one will miss me anyway.

I opened a new razor and cut my legs first, little cuts, it didn't feel better.
So I was eyeing my wrists and thought, naw- to cliche, so I went to the bathroom, closed my eyes, and swiped my jugular, it hurt only about as much as my navel piercing, and very fast.
The blood cascaded down my neck, my breasts, the skirt and onto the floor, it was warm and sticky, and I felt warm for a minute, and then very very cold. I sat down, feeling light headed, but also free.

Then I woke up crying. Shit and I am crying writing this too.

The problem with this dream is if you cut the jugular it'll spurt, not cascade, and I haven't cut since I was 17.
Which is incidentally the time I tried to kill myself in RL. I never changed my mind, I just pussied out.

Perhaps this is why no one likes me, I am depressed?

Comment please. I really need some love today.

Dreams can be confusing...

I am getting bored with you tube, and a bit hurt that no one ever asks me for my skype, or my msn. I do have some who really do care, If you are readng this you are one of them. I guess I should concentrate more on that aspect.
Guess I am just as boring as I've been told.
OH! and job in the paper I'm applying for Monday. I need a job so badly.

I have made a few more networking pages though. I now have a facebook, and a bebo
(this site seems to be for kids though?), and I even went and changed up my Myspace a bit. I have more followers on blip than you tube, and to be honest had I found it first, I might not have even joined you tube.

My sister got arrested tonight for failure to apppear, three of them! Bail is 21,000 dollars, she will have to sit there. One of those days when you don't want her to be your sister.


I hate when dreams are so real tha when you wake up you think you need to call into work! (I have no job right now...)

I was working at a local grocery store, and had just started there, and this lady was looking for diaper changing products for her baby. We couldn't find them! Tthey were in with the paper towels! I woke up wondering if I worked today, because I hadn't gotten a schedule yet! LOL

Not as weird as the dream last night, all I really remember was that we were in this house in the woods and all the doors and windows were open and Joe and I were discussing life, and we are on a bed, and he told me he didn't like what we'd done with the stick the last time we'd come out (in the dream this was like a hideout, I had pretended to take his blood for an aids test) and I told him it wasn't real. So we are lying there and he goes to kiss me and it's a really, really awkward kiss, like he'd never kissed before, more like just pushing at me, and when I did try and put my tounge in his mouth, he started just going all over mine with his like it was a race. A slobbery kid's kiss. It was weird!

It made me remember the other dream I'd had where he was wet and standing in the rain, his eyes were large and scared, and I picked him up and took him home and we had hot chocolate and played guitar hero.
The first part of that one is totally out of a music video!

This Joe in these dreams is not the Joe I watch, he is vulnerable and scared, the Joe on the internet is very self assured, almost to the point of cockyness. He also does know how to kiss. (Well, it looks like he does.)

Why do I have weird sexified dreams of people in other countries. Am I that worried I am not as innocent as I want to be watching his videos?

I mean If I wanted to fuck him, wouldn't that be in the dream? Not playing guitar hero and awkward kissing? He's so damn litle I'd be afraid I'd break him anyway, and not to sound like I'm all that, but he's fifteen, there isn't anything down there yet. Compared to an adult I mean.

At least I haven't killed him like I killed off Levi. Dream that I'm talking about.

*sigh*

Oh, bandwagons , how I loathe thee...

Ok,so a lot of blogs I follow are doing this skype list blog thing, where you write annonymous things to your skype contacts.
I promise this will be short!

1. I added you in a confernce call, you seemed cool, I even subbed. You have never even said Hi again, and I didn't "get" your last couple vids.

2. You added me to twitter after a comment back to you, and skype when I politely sent you a youtube message. You even remembered who I was in you blogTV show, but the next time I came in you had already forgotten me. We have talked a couple times, but I can never think of anything to say. You are so involved with others, and I'm embarrassed I haven't ordered your book yet. I think you are awesome, I will miss your collab channel.
DFTBA

3. Darn other side of the world, we never seem to be on at the same time, when we are it's nice. I still have to play your videos twice though, your accent trips me up! But please, you don't need so much punctuation. One exclamation point will work!
:)

4. In a public stikam chat with Levi Beamish, Chrisontv88, Toddly00, and Drakesizzle, YOU were the only one who really talked to me. We've talked on skype once. I honestly don't know what we'd talk about. But I appreciate that you cared to include me. Thanks for the add on last.fm.
Meow

5. I wish I was as interesting to you as you are to me. I love your music. I'm sure I come off as a stalker, even though you say it isn't so. You do occasionally reply to my you tube comments, and every mail (though I try not to bother you too much), which is very nice, but being called a "nice fan" on blogtv when asked who I was
(while it was meant with complete sincerety I'm sure), hurt. We've talked on skype twice, the other two times I've tried you were talkng to someone more interesting to you. So I've been good and left you alone.
Bai <3

6. You are so bubbly and bouncy, and I'm jealous of that. We have so many of the same interests that you are very easy to talk to! But you also seem to slightly smother people. I know because I used to do that. You are one of the constants I have in the you tube world and I sincerely appreciate that.
puppies and kittens <3

7. You were bored and made this account and came on twitter and asked people to talk to you. I know I was just another fangirl name on the screen, but even that was nice. I should probably delete it, but I won't. I'd be nice if you'd comment on at least one of my reply videos too you. I think I scare you as well (stalker).

8. Your real account, I sent the invitation after you said he liked my tweets and before the fake account but you never added me, should delete it too...

9. You should be first in my list! The only person I have on both skye and msn, you are my LONGEST you tube friend, the video that got us talking is long gone - but I still remember your comment on it. We can not talk for a month and pick up right where we left off, I love that. We don't always agree on music, but I love that you still trust to click when I link you. It was nice hearing your voice for the first time, we really need to do that again, even if I do have to ask you to repeat yourself.
*sigh*
&hearts

10. Again, what funny way to have this list, it should go by who I talk to the most. I've actually talked to you almost as much as #6 and not even sure if you two know each other, you would SO get along. I'm sorry you are having so many family problems, I hope it rights itself. Your laugh is contagious. But I have to watch your videos twice too, and what about that collab I sent you clips for ages ago?

DFTBA

11. Ah, the skype test call, you have an very nice english accent for a recording.

And so ends the pitifully short skype list, shall we move to MSN?

1. I met you in stickam tailcast chat. You are cool, but a bit stuck-up, I feel awkward when we talk, so I hardly ever say Hi. I haven't even watched your last video yet.

2. You are a loyal subscriber, whom I should talk to more, but you are so into gaming and computers you go over my head quite easily.

3. #9 from above, I added you on this first, and you have filled my screen with text many a night when I couldn't sleep. Thanks for that :)

4. Who the hell are you? I'm afraid to say Hi because I don't know, and you never have either.

5. You asked us to add you in blogtv, and said my screenname in a lovely australian accent! I did, you have been on ONCE (at the same time as I have)since then, and I was so nervous I couldn't say Hi. I still love your naked vlog on the kitchen table best :)

6. You told everyone on twitter to add you so I did, but since you made fun of me in blogtv in one of the LAG broadcasts, I'll probably never talk to you. You never commented on any of my video responses back before 5AG even started, so I deleted them. I still watch you, but won't comment for fear of looking stupid and the fact I don't think you like me...

AND that's it. Thanks for reading. :)

Reasons to be Vegetarian.

Because I'm too damn lazy to make my own.