Linking sites is fun?

So, yeah, I'm liking this idea, write something in here and it posts here and to facebook?

I had a lovely gentleman help me integrate everything tonight. djahren on you tube, he even made a video tutorial and posted it so I could import my rss feeds into firefox! Which I finally got the courage to download. So far firefox has only crashed once, wherein I'd have been already on the fourth shutdown with IE. Vast improvement. Hasn't crashed since then.

I also decided to move my song files to iTunes, I started a few hours ago and it's STILL going.

I also uploaded that video I was bitching about earlier. Link to bitchy post . If I waited until I was pleased with it it would have never made it up.

I have also been up for almost 22 hours at the time of writing this. Why the hell can't I sleep?

From Alan's Blog :)

1. List one book you think everyone should read this year. (if you mention my book for brownie points, please list a second book as well)

Paper towns

2. What is your favorite thing about your hometown?

Going "downtown" only takes a couple of minutes.

3. Incorrectly complete these Fall Out Boy lyrics: "This ain't a scene, it's a(n) _____________" (be creative)

Dog Show

4. What would you title your autobiography and how many pages would it be?

The incoherent life of a girl who can't make up her mind. 400 pages.

5. What was the best Christmas gift you've received? (ages 15 and under, adult Christmas gifts don't count)

Tie between Atari 2600 and Original Nintendo

6. What's one new thing you learned this week? (they say you learn something new every day, so you should have a few things to choose from)

That I remember more of "Let's Get Rocked" by Def Leppard than I thought.

7. Open Skype/G-Chat/AIM and type "how's my favorite friend who I haven't chatted with today?" to someone you haven't chatted with at all today. This item isn't a question, just a polite demand to let someone know you were thinking of them.

8. Tell me one really proud moment from your life. (be specific)

When I got the courage to leave my abusive husband.

9. Tell me one really embarrassing moment from your life. (be specific)

When I crashed my car into the sidebank of the road, I was alone.

10. Have you owned something for way too long... something you know you should get rid of or replace, but can't? If so, what and why?

Geometric sheets from my 13th birthday, elastic is rotten, faded badly, but they have memeories.

11. Fill in the blank: Other than this one, _____ is the last blog I commented on.

Eddplant's

12. Do you have any scars? Tell me about one of them.

I have an "L' shape on my left hand middle finger from putting my hand in the bathroom door when I was three, right as my dad won the play "fight" with mom and shut it.

13. I say "this is not tom", you say:
A. Who the eff is Tom?
B. Thank god, Tom sucks!
C. Oh, I love staring at page source code all day and solving riddles!! <3
D. And this is not me, not clicking the back button and not not reading the rest of this stupid meme.

I went to the site, didn't get it, sorry :(

14. What do you get complimented on the most? (your looks, your creativity, your impressive collection of black santa figurines)

My creativity :)

15. Paste a link here to your favorite picture online:

I don't really look for pictures online...

What a frustrating day!

So I had a video idea, a song parody-ish thing, with pictures. A tribute to someone I like.
I decided to record upstairs, brought the recording downstairs, put it on the computer and it was horrbly overmodulated!*grr*
Decided, OK, just record the song track with the camera upstairs and sing to it on the computer.
That didn't work either for some reason, when I record to something I'm listening to when I play it back it doesn't match the timing to the track when I add it! I had this problem with the Levi video as well. *sigh*

So, OK, sing to it straight (as in coming out of the speakers), I sound like I have no idea what the song is! It also sounds muffled (the track) and I sound like I'm singing out of my forehead and flat! *grr*
I'm not the greatest singer but I want to send it to him and it would be nice if I didn't sound like a overenthusiastic twelve year old!
SO FRUSTRATING.
I've been at it all day and only have the visual done!
I was going to make another today too.
Scrap that idea.

He did talk to me on skype tonight though, I'm pretty sure when I do upload it he will appreciate it.

Thanks for reading :)
I hope you have a better day.

Hi,

So I have had a shit week, been mega depressed, just what you want to know right?

There are several videos I thought I should do, to be involved in the community, but then I thought, NO, I should make videos I want to make, not becuase I think I ought to, or it will help get subscribers.
I finally broke 150 subs, not that I want to be famous, it's just nice to have someone still watch me, half my first subs I don't think even watch anymore, and some of them have had their accounts suspended.
I was in a commercial for eddplant's new album if you missed it, and had the second worst clip I thought, check out his channel if you haven't, funny thing about that is, had it happened when I was first on you tube I would have been more excited to be in a collab like that, but when you get down to it, none of us knew who some of the others were (okay, so I only didn't recognize who one person was). I still appreciate him including me, to be sure, just sometimes that dissconnected feeling can be really strong.
Some say I've done this to myself, built a wall of "stay away from me cause you'll hurt me" and maybe I have and it comes through my videos? I try to be open and honest, but maybe I do look desperate for friends, or like I'm trying to hard?
(actual comments)

But this blog ,yet again, is about a dream/fantasty : ( I think i was on the verge of sleep)


Gray room, gray wall, wind blowing in the window that has gray gossamer curtains. night outside, nice temperature. Full moon, I was dressed for a goth club, white face, dark black eyes, corset black lace dress, bright red lips, hair all sprayed and ratted, I looked good. Sensual, inviting.
Then the person I was going with called and said they weren't going, but I knew they were just ditching me.
It's happened before and will happen again.
So I got on the internet, no one on skype, no one answering on twitter, no one on msn, no comments on my videos or channel page.
I just decided, fuck this then, no one will miss me anyway.

I opened a new razor and cut my legs first, little cuts, it didn't feel better.
So I was eyeing my wrists and thought, naw- to cliche, so I went to the bathroom, closed my eyes, and swiped my jugular, it hurt only about as much as my navel piercing, and very fast.
The blood cascaded down my neck, my breasts, the skirt and onto the floor, it was warm and sticky, and I felt warm for a minute, and then very very cold. I sat down, feeling light headed, but also free.

Then I woke up crying. Shit and I am crying writing this too.

The problem with this dream is if you cut the jugular it'll spurt, not cascade, and I haven't cut since I was 17.
Which is incidentally the time I tried to kill myself in RL. I never changed my mind, I just pussied out.

Perhaps this is why no one likes me, I am depressed?

Comment please. I really need some love today.

Dreams can be confusing...

I am getting bored with you tube, and a bit hurt that no one ever asks me for my skype, or my msn. I do have some who really do care, If you are readng this you are one of them. I guess I should concentrate more on that aspect.
Guess I am just as boring as I've been told.
OH! and job in the paper I'm applying for Monday. I need a job so badly.

I have made a few more networking pages though. I now have a facebook, and a bebo
(this site seems to be for kids though?), and I even went and changed up my Myspace a bit. I have more followers on blip than you tube, and to be honest had I found it first, I might not have even joined you tube.

My sister got arrested tonight for failure to apppear, three of them! Bail is 21,000 dollars, she will have to sit there. One of those days when you don't want her to be your sister.


I hate when dreams are so real tha when you wake up you think you need to call into work! (I have no job right now...)

I was working at a local grocery store, and had just started there, and this lady was looking for diaper changing products for her baby. We couldn't find them! Tthey were in with the paper towels! I woke up wondering if I worked today, because I hadn't gotten a schedule yet! LOL

Not as weird as the dream last night, all I really remember was that we were in this house in the woods and all the doors and windows were open and Joe and I were discussing life, and we are on a bed, and he told me he didn't like what we'd done with the stick the last time we'd come out (in the dream this was like a hideout, I had pretended to take his blood for an aids test) and I told him it wasn't real. So we are lying there and he goes to kiss me and it's a really, really awkward kiss, like he'd never kissed before, more like just pushing at me, and when I did try and put my tounge in his mouth, he started just going all over mine with his like it was a race. A slobbery kid's kiss. It was weird!

It made me remember the other dream I'd had where he was wet and standing in the rain, his eyes were large and scared, and I picked him up and took him home and we had hot chocolate and played guitar hero.
The first part of that one is totally out of a music video!

This Joe in these dreams is not the Joe I watch, he is vulnerable and scared, the Joe on the internet is very self assured, almost to the point of cockyness. He also does know how to kiss. (Well, it looks like he does.)

Why do I have weird sexified dreams of people in other countries. Am I that worried I am not as innocent as I want to be watching his videos?

I mean If I wanted to fuck him, wouldn't that be in the dream? Not playing guitar hero and awkward kissing? He's so damn litle I'd be afraid I'd break him anyway, and not to sound like I'm all that, but he's fifteen, there isn't anything down there yet. Compared to an adult I mean.

At least I haven't killed him like I killed off Levi. Dream that I'm talking about.

*sigh*

Oh, bandwagons , how I loathe thee...

Ok,so a lot of blogs I follow are doing this skype list blog thing, where you write annonymous things to your skype contacts.
I promise this will be short!

1. I added you in a confernce call, you seemed cool, I even subbed. You have never even said Hi again, and I didn't "get" your last couple vids.

2. You added me to twitter after a comment back to you, and skype when I politely sent you a youtube message. You even remembered who I was in you blogTV show, but the next time I came in you had already forgotten me. We have talked a couple times, but I can never think of anything to say. You are so involved with others, and I'm embarrassed I haven't ordered your book yet. I think you are awesome, I will miss your collab channel.
DFTBA

3. Darn other side of the world, we never seem to be on at the same time, when we are it's nice. I still have to play your videos twice though, your accent trips me up! But please, you don't need so much punctuation. One exclamation point will work!
:)

4. In a public stikam chat with Levi Beamish, Chrisontv88, Toddly00, and Drakesizzle, YOU were the only one who really talked to me. We've talked on skype once. I honestly don't know what we'd talk about. But I appreciate that you cared to include me. Thanks for the add on last.fm.
Meow

5. I wish I was as interesting to you as you are to me. I love your music. I'm sure I come off as a stalker, even though you say it isn't so. You do occasionally reply to my you tube comments, and every mail (though I try not to bother you too much), which is very nice, but being called a "nice fan" on blogtv when asked who I was
(while it was meant with complete sincerety I'm sure), hurt. We've talked on skype twice, the other two times I've tried you were talkng to someone more interesting to you. So I've been good and left you alone.
Bai <3

6. You are so bubbly and bouncy, and I'm jealous of that. We have so many of the same interests that you are very easy to talk to! But you also seem to slightly smother people. I know because I used to do that. You are one of the constants I have in the you tube world and I sincerely appreciate that.
puppies and kittens <3

7. You were bored and made this account and came on twitter and asked people to talk to you. I know I was just another fangirl name on the screen, but even that was nice. I should probably delete it, but I won't. I'd be nice if you'd comment on at least one of my reply videos too you. I think I scare you as well (stalker).

8. Your real account, I sent the invitation after you said he liked my tweets and before the fake account but you never added me, should delete it too...

9. You should be first in my list! The only person I have on both skye and msn, you are my LONGEST you tube friend, the video that got us talking is long gone - but I still remember your comment on it. We can not talk for a month and pick up right where we left off, I love that. We don't always agree on music, but I love that you still trust to click when I link you. It was nice hearing your voice for the first time, we really need to do that again, even if I do have to ask you to repeat yourself.
*sigh*
&hearts

10. Again, what funny way to have this list, it should go by who I talk to the most. I've actually talked to you almost as much as #6 and not even sure if you two know each other, you would SO get along. I'm sorry you are having so many family problems, I hope it rights itself. Your laugh is contagious. But I have to watch your videos twice too, and what about that collab I sent you clips for ages ago?

DFTBA

11. Ah, the skype test call, you have an very nice english accent for a recording.

And so ends the pitifully short skype list, shall we move to MSN?

1. I met you in stickam tailcast chat. You are cool, but a bit stuck-up, I feel awkward when we talk, so I hardly ever say Hi. I haven't even watched your last video yet.

2. You are a loyal subscriber, whom I should talk to more, but you are so into gaming and computers you go over my head quite easily.

3. #9 from above, I added you on this first, and you have filled my screen with text many a night when I couldn't sleep. Thanks for that :)

4. Who the hell are you? I'm afraid to say Hi because I don't know, and you never have either.

5. You asked us to add you in blogtv, and said my screenname in a lovely australian accent! I did, you have been on ONCE (at the same time as I have)since then, and I was so nervous I couldn't say Hi. I still love your naked vlog on the kitchen table best :)

6. You told everyone on twitter to add you so I did, but since you made fun of me in blogtv in one of the LAG broadcasts, I'll probably never talk to you. You never commented on any of my video responses back before 5AG even started, so I deleted them. I still watch you, but won't comment for fear of looking stupid and the fact I don't think you like me...

AND that's it. Thanks for reading. :)

Reasons to be Vegetarian.

Because I'm too damn lazy to make my own.

Dreams can be so real...

Ok, so I slept all day, I hate the fact that my sleeping schedule is all messed up. I really need to find a job.
I should be listening to the songs for the play (we are doing A Christmas Carol) instead I'm listening to Eddplant, and I just found out yesterday it's six performances and not four like I was originally told. I still don't have a car, and just got roped into picking up Kelly. Kelly's mom just called back while writing this, they now don't want me to pick her up because our car smells like smoke (picky people) and I'm using Jim's car tonight ( which smells like smoke even worse), but what about the rest of the time? So I told her it was no guarantee that I can take her to every practice!

So the real pupose of this vlog is a dream. I sometimes dream very vividly, sometimes in black and white, and sometimes can only remember snippets. This one was so real though I'm tempted to ask this person if they are mad at me.

Ok, so it starts out in the doctor's office we used to go to when I was little, I'm about ten, and then we leave and go down to the store - I grow form ten years old to an adult on the way down, when we get to the store the checker is Eddplant, and we talk like he's worked there forever and make plans to go to the '50's diner in town (there is no '50's diner in my town!).
At the diner he talks about a gig that he has next week and whether I'l be coming, of course I say yes, and then he says "You'd like eveything I do though! What about the real people?" This really hurt me feelings (in the dream) and I said "I try and tell you honestly what I think of your songs, I don't just say "awesome" every time! Besides you have quite a large following on the Net, over 1,000 people can't be wrong!"

He said "Yeah, but the last one you didn't..." Me "It was a cover, I try to have honest opinions on the originals."

He starts to talk about a song he's working on, shows me the chord diagram, and chords and frets and whether it needs a capo and whether I think it needs a middle eight. Most of what he says I have very little knowledge of and so I do a lot of active listening,(I mean it's better to look stupid than open your mouth and prove it right?) He asks "You don't have an opinion?" so I said "Well, I listen to alot of music and I know what I like and I have trouble getting from the page to hearing it in my head. I have written very few songs."- I smiled at him.

"You are Useless!" he said angrily, got up and stormed out.

I woke up.

Ed is a sweetie, there is no way he'd ever do that I don't think, but in the dream it was so real! And for some reason he was wearing a bright purple silk shirt, didn't match him at all....

4 am

4 am...
I'm hungry, but not tired,
I'm bored and not inspired,
I'm lonely, but need to be alone.

I could read
or play a game
listening to music is drying out again
but it is just a name to a distraction
sleeping is the ultimate hide
from the thoughts that will not die

I need a job, I need an S.O.
I need to be living on my own.
This life is not what I thought it'd be
Who the hell is this inside of me?
I look in the mirror and wonder when my life got away from me.

I look like a kid, and I know I'm a bore.
Not pretty enough to have ever been a whore.
I just don't follow what eveyone is into.
I do not keep score.

These walls I've built to protect myself get in the way,
but when I open the door, I get kicked in the face.

How do they do it? The ones who are loved, who have friends everywhere?
I try to be nice, be open, be sincere.

What am I missing here?

mini update

Hi, Oh my gosh, a blog.

First off, YEAH!!! Obama won!
Change here we come.

Second : Damn Props passed?! WTF - California? Arizona? Florida? Arkansas?
Maybe we were expecting to much of our country, people don't change their minds overnight. There were several states with anti-gay props that that passed!?Link to results

Third: The director for the next play called, I have to be there at seven to help with choreography? LOL help with it, what? I thought I was IN the dance, not helping with it. Either I misunderstood or he liked the ideas I had for the (albeit short) dance mom and I do.

What was really funny was I offered my help backstage, and he was - "That'd be great *pauses* and I want you in the dance number too." *smiles at me*

I was too late to audition so that made me feel really good. I'm probabaly making much more of this than I should, but since I have no job right now, it's not like I don't have the time.
It will also be easier not to be in Mom's shadow for this one, I love her, but I hate to say that she is the one who keeps messing up onstage.
I am big enough to admit my mistakes, don't get me wrong, I've knocked over a column, missed a couple of cues, been early out, stood in the wrong part of backstage where I could be seen, gone to the wrong mark onstage, stood too far onto the stage past the curtain, the first dress rehearsal I skipped an entire verse of the mourning song ( it's a funeral sequence). I've grabbed the wrong "eunich pullover" and messed Ty (the cute one *wink*) up, and I apologized for it the next night, told him why ( there's two and they look the same in the dark), and that it wouldn't happen again, and he clapped me on the back and said "It's O.K." in a 'you worry too much' tone. But I haven't been in a play since eighth grade! and then I had no lines. LOL and I got a D in drama that year. So having people like me being there, saying I'm doing well, and wanting me to be in another? It's overwhelming!

I think making the you tube videos has really increased my confidence. I still don't do people very well, but maybe just maybe, I can get over my fear of crowds, and new people. Hell, all people.

I don't try to be different, I mean that isn't my goal to see how different or weird I can be, or rude, or whatever people think I may be.
I am just not a very good conversationalist, that beginning bit on politics is as far as I can go in that subject. In most subjects actually, I guess I am just a closed person. I think, I read, but none of it I actually share.

I go through phases with things like you change your clothes.
I never really get involved in things that last very long. Maybe I am a little ADHD. We found out my five year old is. That helped a lot actually, I cried, but a relieved cry. I don't WANT something to be differnt about him, but at the same time, YES a REASON!!! It wasn't all me! ( for that's what my ex-husband used as his main basis for taking him).

On another note, some of you may have watched my video where I participated in BenLoka's "World Vegetarian Week" challenge.

I'm actaully still doing it and for shits and giggles decided to see how hard it would be to find also things with no milk or eggs. Tedious as hell. Next time I need to go with better research, and not just assume things don't have milk or eggs because they LOOK like they shouldn't LOL (I had to put half what I picked up back on the shelf while reading ingredients).
I think I might go to walmart instead of safeway next time, half the things I usually buy (i.e. vegetarian chicken pattties, veggie bites, veggie corndogs etc.) Have milk and eggs in them. Even the tofu things had "processed in a plant that also processes milk and egg products" Supposedly Boca brand (which Walmart carries) do not.
Doing this for this long is good, BTW. Like I said, I go through phases, I hope this one sticks. I think it might. There was prime rib at the luncheon thing on Sunday and it didn't even look good.
Yet another way to unintentionally stand out, be the only one who is a vegetarian that's in the play. *sigh*
Sorry this is so long and rambling.
<3

Play is going well!

So If you haven't actually watched any videos permit me to explain.
I am in a play at our local (live) theatre. I haven't been in a play since EIGHTH GRADE It is so much fun! Everyone is really supportive. It's nice to know you brighten someones day with a little thing like a performance. I don't have a big part, I have a whole two lines. It is a musical however, so we do get to sing.

Tonight was the second performance. I did a bit of a Vlog about the first one.
For some reason I think this thumbnail is one of my best, I am so happy ! :)

Playlists FTW

I had forgotten I'd made an embedded code for this playlist :)

Dream Diary

Is what this seems to be turning into.

I was working at an old folks home and had to clean up someone's accident, and at first I couldn't find an gloves, the man who had tha accident is the guy playing erroneous in our play, as I got closer it wasn't feces it was puzzle pieces in water - he had been taking apart the carpet, which looked like puzzle pieces to reveal the horrible carpet underneath.

I went to dump it in the sink and a prehistoric fish was in there too ( I'll look it up later), fish in nemo is closeand I swear the damn thing was alive, though it couldn't be because they don't exist right. I was so convinced I turned to Ty and asked if he saw it( he is also in our play ,and very cute ) and he said "it is illogical that it could be alive". I said "I didn't ask if you believed it, I asked if it looked alive".
he then took this fish and walked over to the pool and put it in there to see if it would swim, it did and then vanished.

I woke up all pissed off that Ty didn't believe me in a damn dream LOL

Click on it to open a new window so you can read it.

Weird Dream

So I had the weirdest dream...

All I really remember though is that I was going to Soap Lake in a disguise as a man with great big feet because I had killed someone, and cops were after me, except my mother came in her car and took me back to Ephrata, and on the railroad tracks hiro's (mygirlhiro) [I had just watched his recent video before bed] trunk was open and just sitting there on the tracks so I called to him, cause he Never left his stuff alone. He was there being chased by someone and I just left. (Nice of me huh?)

I went to the apartment complex to get away from them and the cops and for some reason went to the roof. Levi (corporalcadet) was up there and saw that I was the killer they were looking for. He came at me and I lunged at him and knocked him off the roof and all the way down he was trying to grab the ledges and couldn't, he fell for ages, screaming. I watched his still body for a moment. I thought - damnit that sucked.

Everyone was freaking out because the complex was on fire now. I left the costume where it would be a bit burned so they'd think I died in the fire and so I snuck behind some bushes and left.

Why can't I have dreams with you tubers in them that are nice?

Mystery Channel

I created this this so I can delete my posts on the mystery channel blog, how lame is that?